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Celtics Report Card According to Mr. Hand

CSL Blog - Kevin Henkin

With the All-Star break about a week away, the flood tide of report card columns is about to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting public. As generic column ideas go, report card formats are about as creative as a dead cat. On the plus side (for the writer, anyway), it’s a quick and easy fix to getting out of some real work. Beyond the laziness factor, however, report card columns also tend to have an unintentionally amusing terse schoolmarm tone. To the writers of such columns, I ask: Why not just go all the way and utilize realistically haughty school report card language in your grade assessments? In this spirit, I offer the following template report card of the current Celtics rotation players to show how it should be done. More after the jump...

Tony Allen (Grade: B+)

Although Tony’s problem with frequent mental lapses remains undiagnosed despite almost six years of treatment, he has become a dependable defender and has achieved sustained success this year in substituting for his more talented and accomplished peers. Tony is still gaining more confidence and promises to work on not hanging his head after bad plays. Tony has been a delight to have in practice and has been a pleasant surprise in games this year.

Glen Davis (Grade: D+)

Glen is prone to violent outbursts towards his peers and responding profanely to those who make remarks about his weight. He also had pizza delivered to practice on one occasion, which was disruptive to the rest of the team (specially Brian Scalabrine). Glen sometimes has difficulty rotating on defense but has recently displayed a positive attitude towards offensive rebounding. Glen needs to develop a better sense of responsibility and a more prudent use of his Twitter account.

Rasheed Wallace (Grade: C)

Rasheed continues to exhibit signs of stubbornness. He frequently responds to constructive feedback by officials by shouting statements such as “AND ONE!!”, “BALL DON’T LIE!!” and “YEAH, THAT’S THE SOUND YOUR MOTHER MADE LAST NIGHT!!” His behavior has been observed to be a potential negative influence on other players, such as Kendrick Perkins. Rasheed also continues to shoot unadvisable three point shots and appears to lack effort on some plays. Rasheed is now under a formal plan to use his time on the court more constructively.

Paul Pierce (Grade: A-)

Although Paul’s points are down, he continues to shoot at unprecedented high levels, especially behind the wide arc that surrounds the basket. Although Paul suffered a setback from brief illness in his knee, he has responded as well as can reasonably be expected.

Rajon Rondo (Grade: A-)

Rajon has great potential and works hard to achieve it. His efforts were fittingly rewarded with his first All-Star recognition. Rajon has addressed his prior issues with excessive tardiness and has placed less focus on his roller skating. Also, Rajon's jump shot is greatly improved (although still in need of further development) and he also seems eager to improve his very problematic free throw shooting.

Ray Allen (Grade: C)

Ray’s accuracy in shooting the basketball behind the three point line has been generally poor and inconsistent. Although Ray continues to have a very strong work ethic and has a very pleasant disposition, he will be challenged to score at a higher level. The recommendation is to place Ray on probation until it is determined whether he should be invited back to the team next year or exchanged for another player.

Eddie House (Grade: B-)

Eddie is gregarious and enthusiastic. However, he remains limited in areas outside of three point shooting and has struggled to reach his potential there. He has also been formally disciplined for stepping on the three point line on shot attempts with far too great a frequency. This situation will continue to be closely monitored.

Kevin Garnett (Grade: Incomplete)

Kevin’s subpar performance can be almost entirely attributed to his age, the recovery from surgery on his knee and the subsequent hyperextension of the same surgically repaired knee. Thus, no grade can fairly be assigned at this time, although it should be noted that Kevin continues to be cautioned on his incessant use of obscene language.

Kendrick Perkins (Grade: A-)

Kendrick continues to be encouraged not to frighten children with his scowls. Despite his unpleasant facial expressions, however, Kendrick has achieved unprecedented success in scoring and rebounding and it is expected that his defense will become more of a factor when (if) Kevin Garnett returns to form.

Doc Rivers (Grade: C)

Doc remains neglectful of a clear need to hold practices despite continued poor execution by his team, especially in the area of team defense. Doc also remains excessively attached to the Ubuntu theme and has been encouraged to recognize that this is two years later and that the makeup and chemistry is very different than it was two years ago.

 


Kevin Henkin
Written on Wednesday, 03 February 2010 06:14 by Kevin Henkin

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Jon Duke said:

Jon Duke
...
One question Kevin.. on who's time am I reading this? My time or your time?

Thanks... I'll hang up and listen.
 
February 03, 2010
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